Busy Busy Busy

This past week has been one of the most singlehandedly busiest weeks of my life. Not joke it has been GO GO GO. We had parent teacher conferences this week. Ouch. I am a straight A student, i like to think myself as a people pleaser. But this year grades aren't coming that easy any more. Lets just say I had a C+ and a D+. The C+ was is math which is very understandable because I am not good at math. But the D+ my friends was in BAND!! Now this is the explanation, I didn't turn in a worksheet, and that is the only reason. But still a D+. Lets just say my parents were anything but happy with me. So sense we had PTC's we didn't have school on Friday. So the sophomore class officers had a sleepover on Thursday to plan activities we did some planning and then we watched Red Eye in Julies home theater. I had to leave early from the sleepover to help at the churches school like I always do when I don't have school. But when I got to the church I realized all the kids were wearing their field trip red shirts. Oh great a field trip. As if I wasn't already running on low fuel, throw me in bus with over 100 kids and make me chase after them. Awesome. It was nutso. But I lived throughout it. So when I got back to the church we ran and picked up some taco bell then Arlene took Hannah and me to the circus. It was pretty fun. I love the circus. Then after that we grabbed some dinner. And then I got to go HOME!!! Now I hadn't been home been over 24 hours. Yeah tell me about it I was so excited to go HOME! So as you can see its been really busy, I just hope that I can find that peace feeling again.

May your family have peace this week.

I am NOT a monster!

The CORE team at my church held a meeting for the Teens and their parents to tell what is gonna be happening in the next few months sense we are now Youth Ministerless. I thought this meeting was a brainstorming meeting so the teens could put their two cents in. But it wasn't. They went on saying how the teens want this and the teens need this and such and such. Ha that's funny- they didn't talk to any teens. So I raised my hand and I said something along the lines of this- "Sense this meeting is about what the teens "want and need" how about we get a little say". So they said OK and we said how we wanted to have some teens on the CORE team so that we would know what is going on and stuff. They said "We've tried it in the past, it doenst work" Everything that we said they retorted too and got defensive. Then Kelli asked me a question and I gave her a response that I guess didn't please my parents to much.

So when I got home with my parents they were MAD. I didn't get it, I didn't do anything wrong. They said that my response to Kelli's question had a little attitude in it. I was about to say, if someone's not listening to you and stuff, your response isn't going to sound exactly like a hallmark card. It wasn't entirely my fault. But I agreed to write her a letter of apology, even if I didn't think I need to. But I want to set her feeling right with me.

Not just 10 minutes ago, my dad asked me if I had one written. "Yah". Then my mom said "What about Geri's?" Huh Geri? I didn't even talk to Geri. So my dad said that Kelli said that I talked to Geri after the meeting and made her cry because of something I said. And that someone came up to me and told me that that was rude. WHAT?! I didn't say anything like that to Geri. I wouldn't make anyone cry like that. STUPID. He said "Are you sure?" YES!! Why would my own parents think I would do that! I am NOT a monster!

But now I know that someone is spreading rumors that it was me. Great. At a church thing too. The same adults that say talk it out with the person before you tell some else, is doing exactly what they tell us NOT to do. And on top of that others think that I am a monster. I am NOT a monster. I have the best intentions. Now when I go to church, I wonder what people are gonna think of me. And I am in Kelli and Geri's daughter's class, I hope someone else's mistake doesn't cost me my friends.

The Foreign Peace

Written Thursday-


Its a funny thing this peace feeling. A feeling I haven't felt in quite awhile. For the past couple days my life has literally revolved around work. When I get home, I watch my Dr.Phil espisode to unwind for a little bit, watch someone else have problems. Then I rummage through my backpack and find 3 pages of math, 2 World Civ journals to do, a report on Homer ( no NOT Simpson), and study 70 vocab words for Spanish.Just looking at it literally drains me. Literally. I sit and stare and I don't want to do it. Why do homework. When I am dead is it really gonna matter how many pages I wrote and how many math problems. Yah, I didn't think so. But I have to stay in the honors student position and do it. By the time I am done I check my email and go to bed. And when I get to bed, I just Zonk out. I am gone.

Then I get up at 6:30 in the morning and when I get home I do it all over again. I haven't had a day of school when I didn't have any homework, or babysitting, or driving with my Drivers ED teacher. But tonight at 6 when I went to my backpack after I did my math I found out that I had NO HOMEWORK! Huzzah!

But the problem- I didn't know what to do. Literally I didn't know what to do, because I had no homework, I haven't just gotten to "chill" for a while. So then I watched a GREAT show, survivor. Then I grabbed a book and plugged un my Ipod which probably thought I was dead and turned it to the MULAN soundtrack. Great sound track by the way. I set the volume on low and read some Velvet Elvis. Pretty good book by the way. Then after an hour, I went to bed.

But its sad, how the peaceful feeling has become so foreign to me. Kinda scary. Because or world revolves around how busy we are and how much we can do in a day. Maybe the real focus should be on how peaceful we are and how good we feel on the inside, Spirituality wise and stuff. Ah Peace sweet peace, how I love thee.

Developing an Allergy

I have many many allergies. Because I have very sensitive skin. I cant use certain lotions and brands of makeup. Perfume, and shampoos, They make my skin itch and my skin gets red and blotchy. I have never in my whole life been allergic to an animal. My mom is allergic to cats. I never have been, but I hate cats. While I was babysitting last night and Emily and Andrews I got acquainted with their pets. They have a hamster Crystal,a bird Paula, and a cat Baylee. Baylee is the fattest cat that you will EVER meet. Her tummy was literally dragging on the ground. So, Emily and Andrew said that their cat never comes to strangers, so when I was upstairs' that cat comes to me and starts rubbing against me. I tried not to get to close because my mom is really allergic, and she washes the clothes. When the cat left I touched my face to get hair out of my face. My eyes immediately itched like no tomorrow, and they HURT. Sooooo bad. They started tearing up and they itched. I came home and my eyes were blood shot and they itched still. My friends, I am developing an allergy to Cats. Great something else to add to my list.

Go ahead and stare, it doesn't bother me

When my sister came down to visit for the summer because she is a college kid, home is always open. So she came down and well, lets just say we definitely have our differences, fight about all sorts of things. Just like sisters do I guess. But at the end of summer when she was trying to figure out a way to get her to go back to college, she suggested instead of having my dad drive ack with her then he could fly back, that her boyfriend would fly down and drive back with her to OC. I didn't think that was a good idea. But of course he came down. Now this guy is a graduated senior and he is studying to become a Youth Minister. So one night my dad told me to pick up the movies laying down on the floor, and I said no in a very sarcastic way so he would know that I was joking. Nathan, looks at me with a very serious expression and says " Bee, the bible says to honor your father and your mother" Now alright, don't pull bible crap with me. Because I can guarantee that I can throw something right back at you, if that's what you want . Now I wasn't in the mood to be looked down apon by this creature. So then I had to put on the most serious look on my face so i wouldn't start laughing. Then I said " Well the bible says not to trim your beard, and you've obviously done a lot of that huh" I was lauging so hysterically on the inside it was hard to contain it. Then he saidoesn'the OT doesn't count! The OT doesn't count! Yeah right! If the OT doesnt count, then why are the 10 Commandments in the OT, so those don't count either??

Now this is a perfet example of the thing I referred to as Pot-Luck religion. He used it to benefit what he thought he was going to point out to prove his point. Well, I pulled something right back. See what we have created! But I noticed he just stared at me. I am used to people staring at me when I say something that they don't expect me to say, and stuff. I know what he was thinking, He was trying to figure out what was goin on in my brain.

Yeah buddy, I maybe small, but I am feisty. You point out something to me, I may point something out to you. But hey you can go ahead and stare at me. I know what I believe may be far out there for others, but I am used to it and you can stare all you want. It doesn't bother me.

To be or not to be

For some reason, for the past couple days I have been thinking a lot about my future. I am not going to graduate early or anything. I have just been thinking really hard. REALLY hard. Because there are so many things that I want to do. And I know I cant do them all, and I cant please everybody... I have wanted to be a teacher for as long as I can remember. It recently changed to maybe a Special Education teacher. Then I decided that maybe instead of going to colledge for along time, I would take a break and join peace corps, then go back. Yeah I would love to go and help people, but I want to do soo many other things. Today in band we filled out this form, and it said what kind of colledge do you want to go to, and what do you want to major in and stuff like that. Something I have contemplated for awhile is getting a bible degree, and going into Ministry. Not necessecairly a Minister, I would love to do something in the lines of Ministry. But what?

One of the biggest things that I worry about, about my future. Is disappointment. I don't want to disappoint my parents with what I choose to do, but I also want to follow my heart and do what I want to do. Because let me tell you, the biggest thing I fear is disappointment. When you can tell someone is disappointed in you, and especially when that is your parents. Kids worry about that the most. I think, I cant do that, they will be soooo disappointed. Because when you know disappointment lies behind those eyes, its a scary thing.

But I really would LOVE to go into Ministry. And be a teacher if that is possible. I just don't know what I would be really good at doing. And I don't want people to think I am a copycat, or that I am doing it for the wrong reasons. I just want to have people happy with what I am doing, I want to be happy with what I am doing. I don't want doubts or people saying that I cant do something. You might be thinking its your life do what you want with it. But here's the thing. Put yourself in a parents position.

If you didn't think Women should be ministers and your daughter, came up and told you that she wanted to be a minister, how would you feel about that? How would you respond? No doubt you would still love her, but how would you treat her at that very moment?

If you were a diehard Pacifist, or you just hate violence of any kind, and your child came up and told you that they wanted to sign up for the reserves, how would you feel? How would you respond?

So when you tell your kids, "You cant be whatever you want to be" I hope you really genuinely mean that. And remember when you tell your kids that- because you better mean it.

So for what I should be when I "grow up" I don't know, I don't want disappointment. I just want to be me. Free to be me.

So what I'm a LOSER

I thought High School was going to be like my 9th grade year at middle school. I loved middle school um, except for 7th grade. I loved how I saw my friends in the hall ways every time I walked through them. I was in classes with most of them everyday, some times even 5 times a day! I knew everyone in my classes by name on the first day of school because everyone hung out with each other. I was pretty low on peoples radar. By that meaning I wasn't really hated. Sure I was hated by some. But no one is liked by everyone. People knew me by name and said hello. I was nerdy but hey I got by alright. I had my fair share of friends and everything was going good for me. I had my posse of friends I could count on in case I needed the days assignment or something. But now, everythings different. I find myself as odd man out kind of. Now don't get me wrong I still I have friends. But my friends from middle school, have seemed to break away. The are on the sports teams and have oodles of friends the see in the hall way. I walk around before school aimlessly by myself trying to hook up with friends. I find myself not knowing barely any one and feel hopeless because at my old school I knew tons of people. I was familiar. In my classes, I am sometimes by myself. And I swear if I eat lunch by myself again, I might as well post LOSER on my back. Most of my friends have A lunch on both days. And I Have B lunch. I have a great group to eat with on B days most of the time. But A days, I have no one. I ate on the steps, with people I knew from school but never really hung out with. It makes me sad. This in kinda turning out to be a whole lot like 7th grade. Bottom of the pile, not knowing hardly any one. I know it gets better when you get to know people. But right now, I just need some friends.

Meeting the President

Well I wouldn't call it meeting the president. I would call seeing him from a far. But it was still an awesome experience. When I watch the s[speeches on the TV I could really care less about what he is sayin. But this time I was actually there, hearing the actual person talk. Now I am not a major fan of the president. But I don't hate his guts either. He is just a man doing what he thinks is best. I am not in the mood to argue about anything to do with anything political, so don't bash me alright. But before the president came to my state, their was massive protests. Even one of the formal mayors came out and led a protest, and led a bashing speech against the Pres. It was heart breaking to see everyone behaving like wild savages. It was really sad to see signs that said, God hates Bush, and End this war or you're going to hell. I hate you bush. It was sad. Because I put myself in his position, if anywhere I went their were signs putting all the bad things I did into my face. Or if someone disagreed with me telling me iw as doomed to hell. Sad. I would hate to be the president of the United States. But on the bus ride home, I kept thinking. Now if you haven't guessed thinking is something that I do quite often. As hard as I try not to, I cant turn my brain off. I was thinking on how we treat the President of the United States like God. Yes you heard me right, like God. We cheer for him when he enters the room and hang on every word he says and clap and praise him for his poetic words. We think hes the coolest man alive to get to be in the same room as him. We hang on his every being and his every word, awaiting pres conferences and when he does something good the nation cheers. But when he does something bad, well he gets signs telling him to go to hell, and how wrong he is. Well that's EXACTLY the way we treat God. We praise him and hang on every fiber of our faith. We go to church on Sunday and hang on the words of the speakers and the elders and so on. And when something in our lives happens, that hurts us, or we quite frankly don't like, its automatically Gods fault. In times like these we curse God and waves signs in our minds telling god how wrong he ( She/ it) is and how He can hitch the next train outta here.

Its sad and I think God deserves to be treated as our Creator and our Peace, rather the President.

I wanna be like my Jesus!

This is another song post. I really like most of this song, but my absolute drop dead favorite part I will put in bolded for you. Because I think it is such a true statement. Especially for me, and maybe you too. But there is one part that I don't rally like, but its not that big of a deal. Alrighty here it goes. This song is By Todd Agnew and its Called, My Jesus.

Which Jesus do you follow?
Which Jesus do you serve?
If Ephesians says to imitate Christ,
Why do you look so much like the world?

Chorus:
Cause my Jesus bled and died
He spent His time with thieves and liars
He loved the poor and accosted the arrogant
So which one do you want to be?
Blessed are the poor in spirit, do we pray to be blessed with the
Wealth of this land Blessed are they that hunger and thirst for righteousness
Do we ache for another taste of this world of shifting sand

Chorus:
And who is this that you follow
This picture of the American dream
If Jesus was here would you walk right by on the other side
Or fall down and worship at His holy feet

Pretty blue eyes, curly brown hair and a clear complexion ( I don't think he looked like this, but ok.)
Is how you see Him as He dies for Your sins
But the Word says He was battered and scarred
Or did you miss that part
Sometimes I doubt we'd recognize Him

Chorus:
Cause my Jesus would never be accepted in my church
The blood and dirt on His feet might stain the carpet
But He reaches for the hurting and despises the proud
I think He'd prefer Beal St. to the stained glass crowd
But I know that He can hear me if I cry out loud

I want to be like my Jesus
Can I be like You
I want to be like my Jesus


love the part when it says, Cause my Jesus would never be accepted in my church. I love that. No, I LOVE that. Because to me that is soo true. My Jesus wouldn't even make it past the front door of my church building. Because my Jesus is a loving compassionate Jesus. Now I am not saying my church isn't kind and loving, but its not in the way that I see Jesus, and every church is different, but in a way the same. My Jesus loves questions. He loves ALL people, and can relate to everyone. He wouldn't ever turn his back on me or tell me that I cant do certain things. He would love me and embrace my differences, and see how much that I love him. And he loves me just the way I am. And I'm glad he's my Jesus.