To be or not to be

For some reason, for the past couple days I have been thinking a lot about my future. I am not going to graduate early or anything. I have just been thinking really hard. REALLY hard. Because there are so many things that I want to do. And I know I cant do them all, and I cant please everybody... I have wanted to be a teacher for as long as I can remember. It recently changed to maybe a Special Education teacher. Then I decided that maybe instead of going to colledge for along time, I would take a break and join peace corps, then go back. Yeah I would love to go and help people, but I want to do soo many other things. Today in band we filled out this form, and it said what kind of colledge do you want to go to, and what do you want to major in and stuff like that. Something I have contemplated for awhile is getting a bible degree, and going into Ministry. Not necessecairly a Minister, I would love to do something in the lines of Ministry. But what?

One of the biggest things that I worry about, about my future. Is disappointment. I don't want to disappoint my parents with what I choose to do, but I also want to follow my heart and do what I want to do. Because let me tell you, the biggest thing I fear is disappointment. When you can tell someone is disappointed in you, and especially when that is your parents. Kids worry about that the most. I think, I cant do that, they will be soooo disappointed. Because when you know disappointment lies behind those eyes, its a scary thing.

But I really would LOVE to go into Ministry. And be a teacher if that is possible. I just don't know what I would be really good at doing. And I don't want people to think I am a copycat, or that I am doing it for the wrong reasons. I just want to have people happy with what I am doing, I want to be happy with what I am doing. I don't want doubts or people saying that I cant do something. You might be thinking its your life do what you want with it. But here's the thing. Put yourself in a parents position.

If you didn't think Women should be ministers and your daughter, came up and told you that she wanted to be a minister, how would you feel about that? How would you respond? No doubt you would still love her, but how would you treat her at that very moment?

If you were a diehard Pacifist, or you just hate violence of any kind, and your child came up and told you that they wanted to sign up for the reserves, how would you feel? How would you respond?

So when you tell your kids, "You cant be whatever you want to be" I hope you really genuinely mean that. And remember when you tell your kids that- because you better mean it.

So for what I should be when I "grow up" I don't know, I don't want disappointment. I just want to be me. Free to be me.